


laceration gravity

by gavorn



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2015-08-17
Packaged: 2018-03-05 01:38:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3100262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gavorn/pseuds/gavorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That's one of the first steps taken, one of the first lines crossed. That's one of the first times Arin looks at Jon and he thinks non-platonic thoughts. That's one of the first times Arin has Jon's head in his lap, and for a little while, he can't breathe because this is so much so fast and it terrifies him how right it feels.</p><p>Best friends aren't supposed to feel like this, but at the moment, Arin really doesn't give a shit about supposed to.<br/>-<br/>Yo, I wrote this when I was fifteen and in retrospect it's one of my poorer life choices. I have no idea why I was so into jankletankle but whatever, it's here, I'm not taking it down even if I probably should. If you wanna read it, I have no idea why, but more power to you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. we both know i'll never be your lover

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [that big epic tale of two grumps, aka demi's longass project she may not finish because she's a lazy sack of shit who never finishes things even though she really should](https://archiveofourown.org/works/933533) by [gavorn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gavorn/pseuds/gavorn). 



> Welcome to my egotron multichapter, or as i've been calling it, the redux. It's a majorly edited version of my older multichapter egotron work, and I am much, much happier this time around.  
> I'm probably going to continue editing it, though.

Jon does not tell his mother where he is going.  
She doesn't approve of this whole "youtube" thing and "What is that? Jonathan, are you posting pornography? You good-for-nothing-"--  
She hates it, and he knows that. It still hasn't stopped him from producing content. He thinks on some level that she's lucky this is the form of rebellion he settled on. He went through some other phases before settling on this-things that were much less healthy for him than being a Youtuber. 

She would even less approve of driving over to meet some random stranger from the internet, and that is a discussion Jon does not want to have, so he doesn't tell her. She'll probably chew his head off once he gets home, because this could be a sexual predator, Jon, or a murderer, but wait, at least then you'd finally be out of my house, or something along those lines. 

He's never been one to get excited about this sort of thing, but. Egoraptor.   
This is bigger for him than he wants to admit.  
Okay, maybe he kinda-sorta-maybe-just a little stalked Arin Egoraptor. It's not his fault, honestly. Arin's just tall and gorgeous and his voice is like audio sex, okay? God damn, it really wasn't fair that he was hot and he liked the same games as Jon and he was really talented and 22 and 25 were practically the same age and wow, pathetic, Jon, be cool. Be cool.

He spends the entire drive trying to contain himself. It doesn't work out well.

It’s like some surreal dream, really, more than anything else. He didn’t expect anything to come of this, and yet here he is turning into his driveway, walking up his steps, knocking on his door. 

Moments go by, and he is just beginning to panic when the door opens and Arin is standing there with a tray of cookies.  
He looks even better than in the pictures, Jon thinks reverently. He is so glad he brought Dr Pepper.  
"Hey," Arin is saying, and Jon stands there and stares for a second before remembering what is happening and yeah, maybe it's a little weird to stare like that, so he clears his throat and says "Hi, Egoraptor." [he's pretty sure his voice cracked a little. Did it?] Shit, this isn't exactly the best first impression, he's going to think Jon's a weirdo and shit, they're going inside so he follows Arin while looking around the house and marveling.  
They end up in the living room, sitting awkwardly on the couch for a minute before they finally start talking.  
"You can call me Arin, you know," Arin says, and he laughs, and Jon feels like he's home. His whole life, he's been looking for something, and he's home. He's home.   
"I didn't want to disrespect you..?" Jon says weakly, then adds a "I almost went for a Mr there," and somehow that sets Arin off laughing again. 

"Dude." Arin says, grinning- "Mr Hanson is, like..my dad. Or my brother." He laughs again. "Definitely not me."   
"I was going to say Mr Egoraptor."  
When Suzy comes down the stairs a few minutes later, Jon is grinning helplessly as Arin rocks back and forth on the floor. It's a look Suzy will grow to recognize, something proud and a little guilty. She will never be capable of hating it.  
It's the happiest Arin's seemed in a while-especially considering they've never met before. Arin's not normally this comfortable with new people.   
Clearly there is something different about Jon, but Suzy can't put her finger on it. She leaves the room, leans against the wall, closes her eyes, and hopes to god that this will work out. 

They're laughing for hours. Suzy can hear it cutting through the walls. She has to reshoot a fashion vlog several times before deciding it may be best to wait until one of them sleeps.   
She's not angry, because Arin is happy. He deserves this. She's always known he shouldn't be confined to anything, and she's not going to be the one to stop him from being who he is.

When Arin wakes up, Jon is still asleep on the floor beside him, curls messy, hat on the floor, and Arin has a gut feeling that this is going to change his life.   
Jon wakes up, squinting eyes and running his fingers through his hair, and says, "Arin! God! Hi!" like he can't believe the last night wasn't a dream.   
It's absolutely adorable.   
There's a lot of things Arin regrets, but he doesn't think Jon is ever going to be one of them. Funny and hot and twenty-two, lying on Arin's floor and looking at him like he just threw up sunshine? Yeah. Arin can't-he isn't- Arin is only human. 

"Waffles!" Suzy says from the kitchen. Jon sits on the floor, still dumbfounded that this is his life now. Arin scrambles to get up before turning around. He looks like he's been caught doing something he shouldn't-even though Jon knows nothing is less than innocent. Nothing happened between them that shouldn't have, but the question is what the definitions of should and shouldn't are.   
"You coming?" he says.   
"Yeah!" Jon says. "Yeah. Okay."   
There's a lot of things that should and shouldn't happen, with Jon and Arin. The lines are thin, and sometimes they get blurry. Jon can't help crossing some of them. He was never one for coloring inside the lines.  
He walks to the kitchen, and Suzy serves them waffles with syrup and berries, and Arin puts chocolate sauce on his, and they talk about their collectively mixed opinions on Skyward Sword.  
It is the best day of Jon's life. 

 

That day, something starts. None of them have any idea what kind of an impact it will have yet.   
When Jon gets home, his mother starts off on the expected tirade about how he is going nowhere with his life. He doesn't mind as much this time. His mind hovers around silky-dark hair and shiny brown eyes, and. Yeah. He doesn't care what his mother is saying.


	2. the resolute urgency of now

It is about three or four months after that first day when Jon gets the idea.  
There are choices that don't matter much-say, the choice between the vanilla or chocolate raspberry frappucinos. Those happen often and won't change anything except maybe that dropping vanilla on your shirt won't stain as badly.   
There are other choices, though, and those can change everything. They aren't option a versus option b, they're silence versus voicing an idea. In one world, Jon and Arin hang out for a while. They fuck around a bit before deciding that it isn't a good idea for either of them. They part on good terms and nobody is worse for wear.   
The world that we end up in is always messier than that.  
Maybe if they didn't get that popular. Maybe if Arin hadn't liked the idea. Maybe if Jon had never brought it up in the first place.  
Maybes aren't good for much.  
"Arin," he says, leaning over the back of the couch as Arin ducks into the room with more food. "We should have a show."  
Arin doesn't even look at him as he flops sideways on the sofa. "You already have a show, you dork," he says. The words sound harsh, his tone lazily sharp, but Jon hears only the underlying currents of affection.   
"No," Jon huffs, faux-indignantly. "Like, together. It would totally be the shit!"  
This catches Arin's attention. "Would you-would you really want to?" he says. He sounds more confused than psyched, and Jon starts to doubt this was as good an idea as it was in his head.  
So he laughs, and he says, "Well, I mean..if you wanted to..y'know, forget it, it's a stupid idea."  
Arin shakes his head. "Nah, wait, what kinda stuff would we be doing?" He sounds curious now. Jon's been around Arin for long enough to recognize the tone he gets when he has an idea, whether it's going to Chipotle or his next animation.  
This time, it's more serious than all of that.   
"Well...yknow..just, like, us hanging out and playing video games like we normally do, but posting it," Jon hesitantly says.  
"That sounds like it may actually work," Arin says, and he's beaming at Jon like he's the second coming of Christ.   
The idea itself doesn't matter so much as making Arin look at him that way again.   
Jon looks back on it later and knows he was fucked.

\--  
"Game Grumps," that's what they decide on. Neither one is sure where it came from when they wake up in the morning-pop rocks and empty cans of monster rolling everywhere from their late-night "brainstorming session".  
It was a late night, and there may have been no alcohol involved (Jon's been drinking a lot less since meeting straight-edge Arin. This is probably another one of the little things he'll look back on later.)   
There's no alcohol, but there was plenty of caffeine, and that's probably why Jon's head is throbbing. Along with the Mario DDR game still flashing idle on the screen- he can barely remember when they turned it down and fell asleep. Last he recalls it was still threatening to break the speakers.   
\--  
They start recording in the beginning of summer.  
Kirby Super Star ends up being the first episode posted. Jon edits it, and they upload it, and they wait. And people, well, people seem to like it. Jon's not sure why-it's just the two of them talking. He puts little to no effort into it, really, so there shouldn't be this many people interested- but he's not complaining, really.   
People really, really like it. 

It is a success bigger than they ever thought it would be.  
They are gaining subscribers by the hour. "Jon, c'mere," Arin says, gesturing at the screen where the numbers raise every time he refreshes the page.  
[there is a small part of Jon that is just shocked his stupid idea worked. He gets to play video games with fucking Egoraptor and just have fun and people like watching it, for whatever reason.]  
"Yeah," he says, and there is a smile on his face so huge he bets he must look like some sort of freak. This is his dream, right? This is the life he has hoped for since he first got the message saying "hey, you wanna come over sometime?"  
He's still not that comfortable at Arin and Suzy's place- though it's more comfortable than it probably should be by now. He may not have stuff there or anything, but he knows where everything is kept and he certainly feels at ease enough to scream when he wants to. 

It has been about three months since Grumps became a semi-success, and they are hanging out almost every day now.  
Tonight they have gone to a barcade somewhere in downtown, and Jon has made the mistake of drinking much, much more than he should.  
It's cold outside the bar, too cold, Jon doesn't like cold, he likes warm, and then he is stumbling on the pavement.  
"This place SUCKS!" he says, and he was thinking it but somehow it fell out of his mouth but oops, oh well, it's true.  
"Jon..." Arin says as he helps him get into the car.  
Jon flops sideways onto Arin's lap once they're in the car. Suzy says she's getting a ride with Ross and Barry, so it is just the two of them.  
"I have to drive, you know," Arin says. He doesn't sound upset, though. He sounds like he's smiling only Jon can't tell because his eyes keep falling shut. Jon is happy about that. He hates when Arin is upset, he really does, and oh, they're driving, and he giggles and tries to tell Arin "It's ok, I'll stay still and you'll be able to drive fine" but the words come out mangled and slurred enough Arin probably can't tell what he is saying.  
Jon's eyes are open now, though he's not exactly sure he remembers opening them. He is looking up at Arin.  
Arin is pretty, he thinks. "You're pretty," he says.  
Arin snorts a little. "Keep telling yourself that," he says, and they're pulling into Jon's driveway and noooo, Jon doesn't want to be by himself, so he complains until Arin takes him back to Arin's house. He doesn't remember much after stumbling in the door but the next morning he wakes up with his shoes off and one of Arin's t-shirts on.

Arin looks up later to see Jon wobbling out of his doorway, bleary-eyed, blinking groggily at the light, and Arin is positively beaming when he says "Good morning, sunshine!"   
Jon mumbles something before stumbling to the couch and stuffing his head under a cushion. "Dude," Arin says before he can resist. "You don't have to-wait, c'mere," and Arin rearranges them on the couch, holding out his arms. Jon sighs and pushes his head onto Arin's lap, and it's- it's relaxed, and it's natural, and it feels like that's how things have always been supposed to be. 

They're quiet, and a few minutes later Arin hears steady breathing and realizes Jon has fallen asleep again.   
It doesn't feel like something is starting. It feels like they're finding something that's already there. The pieces existed, they're just falling into place. 

That's one of the first steps taken, one of the first lines crossed. That's one of the first times Arin looks at Jon and he thinks non-platonic thoughts. That's one of the first times Arin has Jon's head in his lap, and for a little while, he can't breathe because this is so much so fast and it terrifies him how right it feels.

Best friends aren't supposed to feel like this, but at the moment, Arin really doesn't give a shit about supposed to.


	3. & the beauty that I'm faking lets me live my life like this

"You love me anyway," Jon laughs as their character dies for the millonth time, bouncing off the screen and exploding. Arin rolls his eyes.  
"Maybe I do."  
Jon glances to the side and tries to keep from blushing when he realizes what he heard. He can't call attention to it as they're recording, leaving him to just think of it over and over again.  
"Maybe I do" runs through his mind late that night, and he can't sleep so he stays awake torturing himself with it.

It's always infinitely harder getting over a crush when you see them every day, especially when they're as tactile as Arin. Jon's never had to have more self control than having Arin draped over him on the couch, controlling his breathing so he doesn't throw it all away.   
Arin is nothing Jon has ever known before, but he feels like home. 

"Maybe I do". Is that supposed to mean something? Is it platonic? Romantic? Arin loves all his friends, he says it often and he says it loud, but this felt different, somehow. Like it was an admission of affections and not a statement. A confession.   
And maybe, maybe, there was a fraction of hope there, too, a "please say you like me," like a note with checkboxes marked "do you like me, yes or no?"   
This is what keeps Jon awake. This is what keeps Jon hoping, praying to gods he doesn't believe in just in case one of them is listening. He wants this to be okay. And more than anything, he doesn't want to lose Arin. And that's why he keeps his feelings to himself, leaves them in limbo. Because this isn't worth risking for anything.   
\--  
Jon is not a weepy drunk, but he is that night.  
"You don't like me," he says, because he's thinking it and his filter disappeared somewhere around three or so drinks ago. "You don't like me, do you?"  
Arin just sits there, staring at Jon, with something in his eyes Jon can't figure out [he's drunk, okay? give the man some slack. not that he could tell when he was sober, either, but that's something else.]  
Arin does not respond, and Jon assumes he's correct.  
"You don't like me," he repeats, and he can almost feel himself deflating like a balloon. "You really don't like me," he says again, and he should probably think of something else to say but he can't.  
"Jon," Arin says, and it sounds like there's something else there in the word he refuses to say.  
"You don't," Jon says again, and his mouth is a little numb and he's saying the words without meaning to.  
Arin sighs. "Jon, I just-" [Jon's eyes are huge, reflected in the barlight.] "I like you, ok?" he says, standing up. "Let's get you home."  
And so they go home. [this time Arin does not even try to make Jon go back to his own apartment. Jon passes out on Arin's bed within seconds of getting inside. He looks so peaceful there, almost well, cute, and Arin doesn't have the heart to move him so he just lets him be and sort of curls up around him.]  
This is what happens when Suzy isn't home-and he sends her a picture, of Jon, curled up on the bed after Arin has pulled his shoes off and tucked him under the covers. Suzy replies with a "<3!" and a picture of her in her hotel room, an exaggerated pout on her face. Arin makes sure to save both the photos. 

Jon isn't there when Arin wakes up. His heart starts to sink in his chest before he hears stirring and remembers Suzy isn't home, and his thoughts are confirmed when Jon smiles sheepishly at him from the doorway.   
"I made you breakfast," Jon says. "And I loaded up an episode of Madoka Magica for you. That's one of those magical girl shows you like, right?"   
Arin's head spins. He didn't know Jon paid that much attention to his magical girl shows.   
"I'll go now," Jon says. He moves to leave.  
"Stay," Arin hears himself say. "Stay here. I don't mind. Suze isn't home, so it's pretty lonely..."   
"You sure?"  
"Yeah."  
"..Okay."

\--

Jon does not remember any of it, of course.  
Everything is the same, really, except for how Arin looks at Jon just a bit differently when he thinks he can't see. Jon pretends not to notice and wonders what the fuck he did. [maybe drinking is a bad idea, really, considering that's the second time he's gotten shitfaced and woken up in Arin's bed.]

It's been more than six months of this friendship thing, and it's not getting any easier, but Jon thinks he's almost managed to deal with it when Arin kisses him.  
They're between episodes, and Jon's turned to Arin with a question, and Arin just. Kissed him.   
It's small, and questioning, and Jon doesn't know what Arin is asking but he knows the answer is yes. Arin could ask him anything, and he would say yes.  
And it's not like Jon's complaining, even though he was caught off guard at first.   
And Arin initiated, even, so Jon definitely knows he's not getting kicked out.   
Arin leans back, Arin's eyes are wide, scared, like he's just made a step he never intended to take. "I'm sorry," he says. His eyes dart up for a second and he's met with dark ones, crinkling at the corners, and Arin bites his lip and says "I am so, so sorry-" and Jon says "Shut up."  
He's grinning, though, wide, shining, and Arin knows he doesn't mean it, except how he does, and that's why they kiss again. It makes Jon feel like he's flying-like his heart is about to burst out of his chest. 

It's another one of those moments he's going to look back on and think, "Oh." 

They're kissing, now, and they keep kissing, and there's nothing rushed or aggressive about it. It's slow, and soft, and, well, it's beautiful, Arin thinks. Slow-motion waltzing, just for a little while, no hurry, no scorch, just a slow, warm burn that soothes, not singes.   
Jon falls asleep with Arin's lips pressed to his throat.


	4. i’m not passive, but aggressive

It's not that Jon is jealous, because he's not.  
Arin and Suzy, they're good together. They've got something important there. He loves them both. He wants them to be happy.  
But there's a little voice, nagging at the back of his head. And more than anything Jon doesn't want to let himself think what he thinks.  
He thinks it anyways.

It's his birthday, so he drinks himself stupid and ignores Arin's increasingly impatient voicemails.  
"Jon? Where are you, man? You haven't responded to any-look, fuck, I just wanna- I just wanna make sure you're okay. Come h- yeah, come over whenever you get this."  
Erase.  
"You're starting to kinda scare me. Dude, seriously, where are y-"  
Erase.  
"Look, you don't even have to see me if you're pissed off or something, just let me know you're okay, alright? I-fuck, Jon, you're scaring me, man. If I did something wrong then..I don't know, call Suzy, text Barry, whatever. Everyone- everyone's really worried." The line goes quiet for a while. "Especially me. Just-fuck, man, I don't-"  
Erase. 

It's not that he's trying to piss Arin off, it's that everything is a blur of hot lights and drinking more than he knows he should, and he's not going to kiss someone else but at the same time he knows nothing good can happen from ignoring your kind-of-maybe-boyfriend.  
He's attached the prefixes in his head, because-well, he doesn't know what they are anymore, and it feels like lying to call Arin his boyfriend. At the same time they are So much more and So much less and thinking about it makes his blood run thinner.   
Because-well, Arin loves him, he says he does, he must, but at the same time Jon knows that any mark he leaves will fade eventually.

He doesn't think he's been this drunk since-the flight home from Magfest, probably. Then was better than this, if only because he may have been confined to a tiny airplane seat but Arin was right next to him, holding his hand, and-yeah, sighing a lot, and this probably isn't the best thing for Jon to be doing right now but he's never been good at thinking ahead.  
He falls asleep at five AM, wakes up at three in the afternoon, and shows up at Arin's doorstep by four.   
"Suzy," he says, "I'm-"  
She bites her lip and shakes her head and says "Don't, Jon, please."  
She hugs him anyway, says "I'm glad you're safe," tells him where Arin is.   
Arin's curled up on the floor of the grump room, shadows under his eyes, phone lying by his face. There's a blanket draped around him and Jon suspects it wasn't there when Arin actually fell asleep.   
Jon doesn't wake him up, but he sits there on the floor, watches him. He doesn't know how much longer he's going to be able to have Arin like this, soft and vulnerable, and he can't resist leaning in, kissing Arin's throat. Arin stirs, but he doesn't wake up, and for a second Jon thinks he sees Arin's eyes open and fall shut again.   
He's going to take whatever he can get. And it's easy, so easy, to fall asleep again, curled around Arin's sleeping body, slipping his fingers around his waist, burying his face in the back of Arin's shoulder.   
When he wakes up Arin's rolled over, and he's watching Jon intently, and there's no anger in his eyes.   
"Hi," Jon says carefully, and Arin says "Fuck you," but it lacks all the venom, and he does that little head-shake-look-down move that further confirms that Jon is fucked.   
Arin looks up through long eyelashes and says "Don't do that again," and Jon nods.   
And the issue is forgotten, for the moment, they are patched back together.  
\--  
Arin deserves better.  
It shows up one night and stays there, nestling itself in his stomach, acid poisoning his blood. Every heartbeat is a collage of not being good enough, not being worthy. Arin deserves the stars and Jon would give them to him if he could, but all he has to offer is himself, and he doesn't think Arin needs that level of toxicity in his life.  
There's a weakest link, and it isn't Arin.  
\--  
"You still like me, right?" Jon says hesitantly. Arin stares at him incredulously.  
"You're funny," he says, "You're gorgeous, you basically live in my house, I blew you last night. What about that points to not liking you?"  
Jon sighs and drops it, but he's painfully aware of the fact that Arin can see straight through him. 

They're lying in Arin's bed, and Arin's tracing his fingers up and down Jon's spine, and Jon turns and says "hi," but it sounds like "I love you," and it sounds like "I'm sorry," and maybe it's wishful thinking, but the look in Jon's eyes is nothing less than terrifying. It says he's sorry and Arin is too scared to ask what he thinks he has to be sorry for.  
He's still going to remember this, months and years later. Jon tries his hardest to forget.  
Arin mutters "don't be sorry" and Jon pretends not to know what he means.   
\--

"Suzy?"  
She's editing a video, sprawled on the bed in the guest room. Her hair's tied back and her glasses are on.  
She looks up and she looks confused but not upset.   
"Jon? Yeah? What do you need?"  
There's the thing about Suzy and Jon, see, they both care about each other a lot, and they both care about Arin a lot, but they don't really talk without him. If Suzy seeks Jon out, if Jon seeks Suzy out, they have a problem somewhere.   
"Hey," he says. His mouth is dry. Fuck, he could use a drink. "When you and Arin-" he says, then stops, reminds himself they still are. "Did you and Arin ever break up?"  
Her face changes, she knows what he's asking now.   
"For a couple months," she says. "He was eighteen and I was still sixteen..." She shrugs. "Jon, he's not going to.."   
She sits up, touches his shoulder. "Jon," she says, "he loves you, he's not going to-"  
Jon laughs stiffly. "I wasn't," he says, faking a smile. "Never mind.'


	5. all of your flaws are aligned with this mood of mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for taking so long to post this but rest assured more chapters are on the way! <3 Thank those who have stuck with this.

Maybe Jon's not taking this well.  
This, being, well- he doesn't even know himself. But Jon is young, and Jon is insecure, and at the moment, Jon is absolutely stupidly jealous and absolutely stupidly in love.   
The two don't go well together under any circumstances, to be sure, but when your partner also has a fiancee, well. That's when things get messy.  
Messy, he hates, because it makes this sound like goddamn kindergarten, but he doesn't know what else to say.  
Complicated. Elaborate. Convoluted.   
Messy.   
But here's another thing about Jon:  
He doesn't know when to take a step back, when to say 'we need to talk.' Jon isn't good at backing out of things, even for a second.   
So he throws himself into it headfirst.  
Arin wants messy? Jon can do messy. So Jon yells, Jon throws things, Jon whines and is petulant and asks for more than he deserves.  
And when Arin reacts reasonably-angrily-Jon loves that too.  
It's not sensitive or romantic anymore, but if it's the sacrifice he needed to make for this (Arin fucking him on the grump room floor, Jon's hands pinned above him) Jon thinks it was well worthwhile.  
That's not to say he doesn't miss it, sometimes. But he can deal with it.  
Jon is a big boy, much as his actions might be indicating the contrary.   
And if being a brat is what it takes to get a reaction, well, Jon likes to think that negative attention is better than no attention at all. 

Jon spends more time with Suzy.  
It starts when he agrees to meet her and Arin at a sushi bar. She shows up and Arin is nowhere to be seen.  
"Suzy," he says, and there's caution behind it.   
"Jon," she says, smiles in that gracefully sharp way of hers. She reaches to hug him- and oh, alright, if that's what they're doing. Jon doesn't dislike Suzy at all, but he knows that the two of them aren't exactly friends outside of their mutual relationship with Arin.   
So if Suzy is here, that means-  
"I wanted to talk to you," she says sincerely, hands wrapped around Jon's forearms. "I just-"   
"Where's Arin?" Jon blurts, because he doesn't think he can stand to let his brain think of any more possibilities.   
"He's at home," Suzy says reassuringly. "He and Ross are watching Sailor Moon. I told him I was going to see some girlfriends."   
"Oh," Jon says, then wrinkles his brow. "I'm not a girlfriend."  
"Well, no," Suzy says. "No, you're not."  
They get a table, and it's the kind of restaurant with conveyor belts relaying the food so they don't have any real human contact to worry about.   
Suzy waits til Jon has a mouthful of California roll to speak again. "I don't think that this is good for you."  
Jon coughs, tries not to spit sticky rice on her. It's absolutely inhumane to say something like that when someone is eating, that's what Jon thinks.   
"Good for me?" He repeats, keeps his words short, his tone neutral.   
"Yes," she says, but there's a look of concern in her eyes that keeps Jon from walking out right there. "You or him," she adds, then "I worry about you both, you have to know that."  
Jon gives her what he hopes is a dubious look, despite the soy sauce on his face.   
Suzy rolls her eyes at him. "I do!" she says. "And don't try to argue with me. You're both acting different and it isn't good for either of you." She puts down her chopsticks and shit, it's really not fair for her to glare at him like that. "What the fuck is going on, Jon?" she says pointedly, and he knows he's not going to get out of answering.  
"Nothing is going on," he says weakly.  
Suzy raises an eyebrow and leans against the back of the booth. "Bull. Shit."

Jon may not be a genius, but he's smart enough to know when to admit defeat.   
"Okay," he says. "Okay, so all it is, is that we've been kind of fighting lately, okay? That's it."   
Hopeless as he might be at lying, he prays that Suzy will be benevolent enough to accept his reply.   
Suzy, however, has other plans. "Jon," she says, voice low and deadly. "You're going to tell me what went on between you and my fiance and you're going to tell me now."  
So he does.   
"And then, I don't know," he finishes. "I guess it's just kinda happened. I don't really mind it, it's-"  
She cuts him off.   
"What the fuck?"  
There's a look of genuine aggression on her face now, and Jon is only hoping it doesn't become physical. He might be bigger, but he's convinced already that Suzy is angry enough to take him easily.   
"Suzy," he says, hoping to calm her. "Suzy, I didn't- I don't know what else to do, Suzy, this is the only- this is the only way he's going to be okay with things," he says, muttering the last few words.   
She's taken somewhat off guard by that, so he takes the stunned look in her eyes as an opportunity to continue. "He's- you know how Arin is," Jon says, half-pleading. "He wasn't- and now he is. So let me have this, please. Please, you'll know if it gets too bad, I promise-"   
She waves a hand, stops him. "Don't make me regret leaving you alone, Jafari." Her face is cold, but there's something warm and teasing to her voice, and Jon thinks that Suzy hated being that upset just as much as he hated being her target.   
"It's been good talking to you," Suzy says, and then "I wish it wasn't- so."   
Jon knows what she means, and offers a standing invitation for her to come over. She takes him up on it a few days later, says Ross and Oney are over again, and they're just too awful at Guitar Hero for her to stand.   
Jon doesn't really know what to do at first. He's never really been around Suzy just to hang out before.  
It's awkward, it is. But then Barry comes out of his room, and they play Super Monkey Ball together, and it's actually- it's fun, it really is. Jon's forgotten how much he loves Barry, and Suzy is nothing short of fantastic. He can see why Arin-  
No, fuck, Jon, not this shit, not now.  
He pushes the thought aside. Tomorrow.  
Suzy leaves at somewhere around two AM. It's not all that late for them, but he forgets how to interact with people that aren't Arin, and it's exhausting having to remember that their dynamic is vastly different than other people's. He's grown used to being fully open with Arin, knows that they don't hide things. Arin knows all of Jon's flaws by now, but Jon knows Arin's just as well, he likes to think.  
These are the things he thinks about at three AM.   
And then the hours go by and his clock says 4:30, and he tosses and turns.  
When he finally sleeps, it feels like he wakes moments later. Barry is standing in his doorway flicking the lights on and off with a look of mild concern on his face.   
"Yeah?" Jon croaks, and jesus, he sounds like shit.   
Barry raises an eyebrow. "Not gonna ask," he says. "Dude, Arin's looking for you. You gotta get over there."  
2:00, Jon's clock says now, and oh, fuck- fuck. He was supposed to be over there by nine, and his phone is on silent, and. Oh. Fuck.  
"Fuck," he says, gets out of bed, gets ready as fast as he can. He's not sure he's conscious enough to drive but he does nonetheless.   
When he pulls into Arin's house, bounds up the steps breathless, Arin's already at the door. He doesn't look happy, but Jon doesn't think he ever does, lately.   
"Where were you?" Arin says, and he doesn't look so much angry as he does worried and scared.   
"Home," Jon mumbles, but it's stifled by Arin crushing Jon into his shoulder. It's unusual, but not unwelcome, and Jon thinks that he's been missing Arin a lot more than he'd like to admit.   
"Fuck," Arin says, hair brushing against Jon's cheek. "Fuck-fuck'n worried me, man, okay? Keep your goddamn ringer on, you fuck!" But now he's laughing, and the concern has worn off, and oh, it feels so good to see Arin smile.   
Jon's not awake enough for metaphors, but he thinks that this is good. 

Arin takes Jon by the hand and, by some miracle, they end up curled in Arin's bed. There's no pressure, no expectations, and Jon doesn't know the last time he felt so safe. He's still half-asleep, wrapped in Arin's arms, and it might be bright outside but Suzy's got those goddamn Alaskan curtains. Everything feels like it's been put on hold. All their conflict seems to be gone, and Jon knows it's going to come back but at the moment he can't give a shit.   
His last thought as he falls asleep is something half-formed, something of affection, and something of warmth. Arin's stubble scrapes Jon's neck, and Jon thinks, home.


	6. you could still be what you wanted to (what you said you were when I met you)

Nothing lasts.  
They're happy again for a while, to be sure, and nothing is nearly as bad as it was before, but there's still-  
Discontentment.  
Jon isn't happy.  
Okay, maybe that's not fair- on shallower levels, Jon is happy. Jon loves Arin and he loves being around him, but long-term, he knows- Arin is Suzy's, for long-term. Arin isn't really Jon's and he won't be, and so there's always some part of Jon desperate for whatever he can get in the meantime.  
So Jon isn't happy.  
He doesn't think Arin is, either. He knows him well enough now to know. Arin knows what's coming too, and Jon doesn't think he's trying to stop it.

He's outside, and it's raining. He woke up at the thunder, and it was already light outside, so now. Well.  
Now Jon's standing in the rain, and he's startled by footsteps.  
"What the fuck are you doing?" Arin's still groggy, his voice distant from where he stands in the doorway wrapped in pajamas and a sweatshirt.  
"I'll be in," Jon says. "I've just-got to, okay, 'Rin?" He doesn't shorten Arin's name most of the time, hopes that it's enough of a cue for Arin to not push the subject.  
And sure enough, Arin nods, says "Don't stay out here too long, okay?"- shuts the door behind him.  
Jon stands still, closes his eyes, and lets the storm wash over him.

So that's what happens.  
Jon doesn't throw fits, but he's not content, either. He's getting restless, waiting for something he knows will never happen. He's going to need to move on, sooner rather than later.  
Jon talks to his friend Nicole a lot.  
She lives up in New York, and he's visited her there before. He loves the city like it's a part of him, thinks he could do well there.  
JonTron doesn't need to stay in LA, he thinks. But-Grumps, and Arin, and. Oh, Arin.  
He can't leave Arin.  
That's the thought he decides on, and so he drops the topic of Nicole and New York.  
It comes back to him, hours later, while he's showering, and he realizes something.  
If he can't leave Arin now, it's only going to get harder.  
It's only going to get harder. It's best for everyone.  
It's best for everyone to do it now.  
Suzy and Arin can have their life. Arin can Grump with someone else, or, fuck, maybe it's not even worth that.  
The show can die, and nobody will be for the worse.  
Their relationship can be over and Jon can be the only one hurt.  
Maybe that wouldn't be so bad. Jon doesn't mind hurting himself if it's going to help Arin in the long run.  
When he collapses into his bed, he doesn't think he's just made all that important of a choice.

Jon books a flight two weeks later.  
They've been doing well, he thinks. No fighting, lots of love. They're making a new show on Grumps to celebrate one million subscribers- it's going to be Ross and Arin's new friend Danny from Ninja Sex Party playing PC games. Jon thinks it could be fun. He almost regrets not sticking around for it.  
He books a flight, and he starts to pack his things. The flight's for a Tuesday, which works out. Jon can go to Arin's for Monday like he usually does and get things dealt with.

They've been on the pause screen for far longer than normal.  
"Jon?" Arin says, a nervous hint of worry in his tone. He knows something is wrong, can tell that Jon is far from okay.  
Jon shuts his eyes, can barely stand looking Arin in the eye. He bites his lip, swallows hard, and. Action.  
"You don't need me," Jon says. His mouth- no, his whole face feels numb. He's just going through the motions, like this is just another role, and he sees the dim recognition of that written across Arin's face and Jon knows it will only add to the dry fire under his skin.  
Arin opens his mouth, confused, hurt. If anyone else had put that look on his face, Jon would punch them in the solar plexus.  
Maybe that isn't such a bad idea.  
The words are spilling out too fast, he can't filter them anymore. It's all just nonsense syllables, arranged into the exact combinations to fuck himself over.  
"No, listen," he says, harsher than he means to. "I don't- fucking, Arin, this isn't what was fucking supposed to-I don't want this, I never wanted this, can't you just fucking get that?-" and the room is quiet with the idle music playing on.  
Jon lets his words ring off the walls, sink into Arin's mind.  
"I don't fucking want this," he says deliberately,"I never did," and if he neglects to state what the "this" is, well, it's clear enough to Arin.  
"Why the fuck did you stay?" Arin says, and everything about his posture, his voice, his face screams Betrayal! Betrayal!  
"I don't know," Jon mutters, then says a more confident "So. Arin. I'm done."  
Even he can hear the hollowness to his words, knows Arin sees through him and knows that only adds to the hurt.  
Arin is silent for a minute.  
"If you're leaving, then go," Arin says. It's not particularly upset or sad, there's barely any emotion behind the words and it only fuels the ringing in Jon's ears.  
"What the fuck are you waiting for?" Arin says, "Why are you still here? If you're fucking done, then be done, get out the fucking door. If you want to leave so bad then _walk out my fucking door already"_ , he says, and Jon's flight reflex finally kicks in, and he stands and walks out.  
Suzy is on her laptop in the kitchen, and she makes eye contact with Jon. She doesn't look angry so much as disappointed, and tired, and sad. Jon lingers for a second, stops, and hopes that she can read the plea in his eyes for her to understand.  
"You made your choice," she says. "You're done."  
And with that, it's like a lock clicks shut. They're done. He's done. If anyone could fix things, it would be Suzy, but when even Suzy thinks they are past saving, well.  
And Jon flees, doesn't process anything until he's on the highway. He knows he can't stay much longer, knows things would only get worse.  
He calls Barry, puts him on speakerphone in the car.  
"Jon?" Barry says, concerned. He knew that Jon and Arin were supposed to be Grumping that day, knows that if Jon is calling then something is wrong.  
"Barry," Jon says. He keeps his tone clipped and professional, attempts to keep all emotion out of his voice so he doesn't break. "I fucked up," he says, and Barry sighs.  
"What else is new?"  
"I'm leaving."  
That gets Barry's attention. "What the fuck?"  
"Yeah. I'm leaving. I'm flying out to move in with Nicole."  
"When?"  
"Flight leaves tomorrow."  
"Why didn't you tell me, you asshole?" He sounds angry, but rightfully so. Jon and Barry grew up side by side. For Jon to move to the other side of the country, without so much as a day's warning, well. Jon maybe deserves to be yelled at.  
"I don't know."  
"Fuck you," Barry says. He hangs up.

When Jon gets home, Barry is nowhere to be seen. Jon hunts around until he sees a tweet- "@razzadoop: out with @ninjasexparty!" He can't say he's surprised, and he can't say that he's happy either. Barry is allowed to be upset.  
Jon finishes packing, and Jon goes to bed early.  
Jon flies out of LAX and tries not to think about Arin.

He lets himself cry on the plane- not much, but a bit. Better to get it out of the way as soon as he can, because he's done now. That's all over and done with.  
They're over.


End file.
